Do Men Change Diapers? – Myths about the New Fatherhood
From Po:
We’re hearing a lot about “The New Fatherhood” – men who are committed to their wives, who do their full share of housework, and who nurture their children intimately.
Ashley and I are going to explore this phenomenon over the next few posts. It came up in my interview-research frequently, and in our Factbook statistical research constantly.
A few comments to start us off:
1. These New Fathers do exist. I’m one, my brother’s one, my best friend’s one. If you’re reading this, then you’re more likely to be one too. We exist! And we’re a good thing, for families and society.
2. However, we don’t show up in the statistics. In the aggregate, men are not doing very right by their families, on any measure. Be it doing housework, making child support payments, or being monogamous – there’s no indication that a groundswell of New Fathers have budged the numbers. You would think if there were several million New Fathers fully pulling their load, the aggregate numbers would show some improvement. We are left to conclude that there are not as many New Fathers out there as we think.
3. Certainly, a lot of men think of themselves as being in the mold of the New Dad. But that doesn’t mean they actually live up to the billing. Ashley nicknamed them “Honey Dads.” It almost sounds like a compliment. But “the truth is, they're really only doing things at their wives'/mothers' request. She's the one who initiates everything, from telephoning relatives to calendar family activities to remembering that today's recycling day. The more she does, the more he does. So he may be so busy he even really thinks that he's the equal. But what he doesn't realize is that he doesn't really do anything until he hears: the all-important... ‘Oh, Honey, could you ...?’ Without the ‘Oh, honey,’ nothing would really happen, and it's really the wife/mom who's carrying the burden of domestic life. He's really just a spare hand she calls upon.”
4. Statistically, we are closer to some semblance of gender equality than in the past. But we’re still a long way from 50/50. And we didn’t get to this point because men are suddenly doing a lot more housework. Actually, what’s happened is that men no longer expect their wives to do so much housework and cooking. It’s that women are doing less, not men doing more.
We all agree that more New Fathers is a good thing. Even Honey Dads are useful to have around. So we’re going to explore the question, “What factors make a man more likely to be a New Dad?” What shapes a man into being one?
As well, we’re going to ask whether New Dads are really just acting like Old Moms. In assuming the role of nurturer, how do men hang on to their masculinity and swagger? Is manhood being redefined? I’d love your input here. I’m going to draw upon some of my interviews with single fathers and with stay-at-home Dads. The latter are a fascinating phenomenon. During the recession a couple years ago, stay-at-home dads were announced as a major trend. But there was nothing major about it. In addition, most of these dads only stayed home because they were laid-off while their wife was not – it was less a choice than an improvised and short-term solution. This is contrasted to the few stories I collected of true, lifelong/dedicated stay-at-home Dads.
We might bring in the history of father-participation in families (going back 40,000 years), and some cross-cultural views on fatherhood.
Lastly, I’m going to post about my own struggle with how to characterize this issue when writing Why Do I Love These People? I interviewed many New Dads, (because I was looking for them). Meanwhile, in story after story, I heard about fathers who neglected their children, who slept around, who worked too much, who were emotionally unavailable, who hit their children, et cetera. So was I right to assert, in my book’s introduction, that “Men Do Care”? Like many other authors, I called The New Dads a trend, even when I knew the true statistics didn’t back me up. Was that the right call?
We’re hearing a lot about “The New Fatherhood” – men who are committed to their wives, who do their full share of housework, and who nurture their children intimately.
Ashley and I are going to explore this phenomenon over the next few posts. It came up in my interview-research frequently, and in our Factbook statistical research constantly.
A few comments to start us off:
1. These New Fathers do exist. I’m one, my brother’s one, my best friend’s one. If you’re reading this, then you’re more likely to be one too. We exist! And we’re a good thing, for families and society.
2. However, we don’t show up in the statistics. In the aggregate, men are not doing very right by their families, on any measure. Be it doing housework, making child support payments, or being monogamous – there’s no indication that a groundswell of New Fathers have budged the numbers. You would think if there were several million New Fathers fully pulling their load, the aggregate numbers would show some improvement. We are left to conclude that there are not as many New Fathers out there as we think.
3. Certainly, a lot of men think of themselves as being in the mold of the New Dad. But that doesn’t mean they actually live up to the billing. Ashley nicknamed them “Honey Dads.” It almost sounds like a compliment. But “the truth is, they're really only doing things at their wives'/mothers' request. She's the one who initiates everything, from telephoning relatives to calendar family activities to remembering that today's recycling day. The more she does, the more he does. So he may be so busy he even really thinks that he's the equal. But what he doesn't realize is that he doesn't really do anything until he hears: the all-important... ‘Oh, Honey, could you ...?’ Without the ‘Oh, honey,’ nothing would really happen, and it's really the wife/mom who's carrying the burden of domestic life. He's really just a spare hand she calls upon.”
4. Statistically, we are closer to some semblance of gender equality than in the past. But we’re still a long way from 50/50. And we didn’t get to this point because men are suddenly doing a lot more housework. Actually, what’s happened is that men no longer expect their wives to do so much housework and cooking. It’s that women are doing less, not men doing more.
We all agree that more New Fathers is a good thing. Even Honey Dads are useful to have around. So we’re going to explore the question, “What factors make a man more likely to be a New Dad?” What shapes a man into being one?
As well, we’re going to ask whether New Dads are really just acting like Old Moms. In assuming the role of nurturer, how do men hang on to their masculinity and swagger? Is manhood being redefined? I’d love your input here. I’m going to draw upon some of my interviews with single fathers and with stay-at-home Dads. The latter are a fascinating phenomenon. During the recession a couple years ago, stay-at-home dads were announced as a major trend. But there was nothing major about it. In addition, most of these dads only stayed home because they were laid-off while their wife was not – it was less a choice than an improvised and short-term solution. This is contrasted to the few stories I collected of true, lifelong/dedicated stay-at-home Dads.
We might bring in the history of father-participation in families (going back 40,000 years), and some cross-cultural views on fatherhood.
Lastly, I’m going to post about my own struggle with how to characterize this issue when writing Why Do I Love These People? I interviewed many New Dads, (because I was looking for them). Meanwhile, in story after story, I heard about fathers who neglected their children, who slept around, who worked too much, who were emotionally unavailable, who hit their children, et cetera. So was I right to assert, in my book’s introduction, that “Men Do Care”? Like many other authors, I called The New Dads a trend, even when I knew the true statistics didn’t back me up. Was that the right call?
posted by Po Bronson at 4:15 PM
3 Comments:
I am curious to know if the new fatherhood idea is really news or is it that this idea received a lot of publicity in recent years?
My aunt married a man several years younger. He became my uncle and he was a first time dad at the age of twenty. He changed diapers.
By the time I was born, he had been in my family for many years.
I wonder about the new dads. Does it make any difference if the dads are younger or older than the moms?
My uncle's first born married twice and her second husband became a first time dad in his late 40s. He is also very involved as a Dad.
So I wonder if it is an age thing or does it depend on the man's personality?
As a father of a four-year-old still in diapers and rubber pants (my pediatrician has advised NOT to force potty training), I can assure you I change my son's messy diaper daily and willingly, too. He's very healthy and regular. I love being a dad and I'm relishing every minute!
Excellent post. Thanks.
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